Joel’s Brain Blurps

In July 1986, I, like many Jewish teenagers in the suburban New Jersey and Westchester County — including, I found out 20 years later, a current friend of mine — took a series of “teen tour” trips, conducted by a company called Barron Tours. During those tours, I remember going to see Top Gun, listening to Billy Joel’s new hit “Modern Woman,” visiting the Ontario Science Museum in Toronto, getting wet on the Maid o’ the Mist, and for some reason getting excited about going to see Starship and The Outfield in concert. I was fifteen, and the thing I was most worried about was if my Nikes and Lee jeans were going to make me look poor compared with the tour members, who were all wearing Benetton shirts and Reebok shoes.

At the same time, somewhere in New York City, Lindsay Lohan was being born.

Jeez alou, I’m getting old.

For some reason, I keep thinking Ms. Lohan (who now, for some reason, is insisting that people pronounce her last name “LO-en” instead of “LO-han”) is older than she is. I wonder why? Is it because she’s been doing movies since she was ten? Or that she’s had more drunken, slutty fun in her formative years than two Tara Reids? It just seems like she’s been on our pop culture radar for a long, long time. It’s hard for me to believe that she’s still two months away from being able to drink legally, and she’s still four years away from being able to rent a car.

When I saw her on Conan last night, I was wondering what she’ll be like when she’s 30. Either she’s going to turn out fine, like Drew Barrymore did, or she’s going to look and sound like she’s about fifty, like the aforementioned Ms. Reid? I guess we’ll all find out together, won’t we?